when the going gets tough

I've been an "I could" kind of girl for as long as I can remember.

It started off when I was younger. My dreams were big, as they should've been. I could be popular. I could be beautiful. I could grow up and be famous. I could be this, I could be that. I wore out the phrase like an old sweater. It's always been familiar to me, and it flows off my tongue like the melody of a song.

And just like every child does, I grew up and my dreams became a little more realistic. My "I coulds" became obtainable, and I dreamed of achieving them.

I dreamed that someday, I could change the world. I could change people's lives. I could make a difference. 

But the days grew longer and my bones began to ache. At seventeen, I was worn out by noon and my fatigue overtook who I was. I was in pain constantly. I was so sick.

And the "I coulds" changed again.

It became: I could have fibromyalgia. I could have arthritis. I could have an undefined connective tissue disease. I could have lupus. 

And then, for the first time in my life, an "I could" became an "I do".

On Tuesday, January 26, I was diagnosed with lupus.

Lupus. A disease where the body's immune system attacks itself. A disease where the body attacks itself. This attack results in joint pain, a facial rash, memory trouble/loss, and exhaustion - along with many, many other complications.

And now, the "I coulds" sing a different tune than ever before.

I could lose my hair. I could lose my memory. I could have kidney problems. I could have heart complications. I could have trouble breathing. I could end up in the hospital. I could end up not being able to go to school. I could have to give up on my dreams.

And it sucks. It is the worst feeling in the world to be a ticking time bomb at the age of seventeen. I am at a loss.

I spend so much time crying and grieving about this stupid diagnosis because the biggest I could in my life involves the fact that I could die. 

Not every teenage girl has to go about her everyday life with the constant fear that the dormant disease inside her will take a drastic turn, not everyone has to live in fear of the silent disease that calls them home.

It hasn't fully hit me that I am living now with a rare, autoimmune illness that only five million people in the world have. It hasn't fully hit me that I may have to kiss some of my dreams for my future good-bye. It hasn't fully hit me that I am never going to be the same, and that my life is going to be different than I imagined it.

But what has hit me, is that I need to be brave. I need to live every moment with a joyous and thankful heart. I need to praise God for every moment where I feel completely normal. I need to rejoice in the moments where I am not feeling any pain.

And when I do feel pain? I need to pray. I need to push. I need to preserve.

Because I am lucky, in all the moments when I am not lucky, I still am. It could always be worse, and I am still so blessed to be where and who I am.

I'm writing this today because I want everyone to know that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to be weak and to not feel like you can push through any longer.

But it's not okay to give up.

In everything that you do, you need to do your best to prevail. You need to do your best to push yourself to succeed and to be the very best that you can, always. Every day of your life, you need to let yourself be afraid. You need to let yourself be scared of what could be. Do crazy things. Do wild, adventurous things that scare you.

Just let yourself live.

At the age of seventeen years old, I have become a ticking time bomb.

I have Celiac Disease.
I have Fibromyalgia.
I have Arthritis.
I have Depression and Anxiety.
And now,
I have Lupus.

And right now, I am so scared.

But that is not going to stop me from turning every "I could" into "I am" and "I did".

Much love,

Jess

Strangers: A Poem

Strangers

When is a stranger

No longer considered a stranger?

From brief locked eyes

to urgent surprises

when our shoulders met

It’s difficult to place

when our relationship is replaced

with the title of acquaintance

For you and I

shared locked eyes

and your pupils dilated in size

battling with recognition

For if you were a stranger

you’re a thief to me

Because I no longer have that moment

when our eyes did meet

So because I gave you my time

And I made yours, mine

I think I consider you

a welcome acquaintance

Because truly,

I would never

give a stranger

the smile

I gave to you

jmp